Saturday, July 13, 2013

Movie review: Spiders

Just like anybody else, I got fears off my own. Getting rectum reamed by Aliens, atom bombs blowing up the earth and seeing my grandma in a bikini. I am not necessarily afraid of spiders, but I easily get a jump scare when I see a little eight legged fucker sneaking up behind me (the same goes with random insects). However, if the world would be invaded by huge 10 meter spiders, I would probably transform into Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter series and run for my fucking life. Fortunately, this is only happening through the magic of movies. Which leads us to Spiders, another movie about the world getting attacked by over sized animals that was probably caused by man itself. So yeah, this movie is far from original (found at least 30 titles on IMDB about giant spiders) and since the only great animal horror movie is Jaws, I had some low expectations for this movie.

Eek, spoilers incoming.

The story starts with a abandoned Soviet satellite that crashes down towards earth, and one piece of the satellite crashes through the ground, into the outskirts of a New York subway station, which shakes the whole ground. Investigations starts instantly and on the scene is the head supervisor of the subway system Jason Cole. He quickly finds out that the satellite piece included some kind of mutant spiders that was geneticly altered together with DNA from something "unexplainable" that the soviets found under the ice of Caucasus. So there is the basic story line and I can totally accept this highly unlikely story, but I am not sure that this would have been possible twenty years ago (the time when this mutant spider was created according to the movie). Maybe today, but not twenty years ago.

So far so good, but it is turning worse the longer the movie rolls. The US government and army quickly puts a quarantine in the neighbourhood and tells that there is a "virus epidemic". Then they do what they do best, fucking it up. The Russian professor Dr. Jarnoff (who have worked with this project since it started) tries to tell the army leader what he and his soldiers should do, but do they listen? Fuck no. The soldiers shots at the giant spiders even though Jarnoff told them to stand out of their way. Typical American movie stupidity. But the worst part is that the army is holding Jason's daughter and babysitter hostages and they have put a warrant for Jason and his wife. Suddenly, this middle age subway supervisor that is going through a divorce has become freaking Jason Bourne for no known reason. This part just fucks up my mind completely. Does he know too much? Is he a danger for society? Does he smoke crack? I do not know, and I guess that most of you who have watched this movie does not understand either.

There is not much to cheer for in this movie, but I have to say that the spiders look pretty bad ass with their spiked up bodies, web shooting rears and those two front "teeth" that slices and dices. And sadly, the spiders does the best acting in the movie. The whole movie is filled with B-class and C-class actors that seem to not give a shit about the movie at all.

Lastly, the ending is also very strange. They killed the queen... then what? Should I believe that the rest of the giant spiders just dropped dead or crawled back to the subway tunnels after their precious queen died? I am sorry, but I do not believe that at all. Sure, since the queen was the only female spider, I would guess that the spiders would die after some time, but they would still spread terror through the city. But hey, the plot was already screwed, so why not screw up the ending as well.

If it was not for the shitty US army and the weird warrant against Jason, this would be a regular B-movie with some decent effects that probably would have been shitty on 3D (I watched the 2D version because 3D sucks balls). And I expected a horror movie with a lot of gore, blood and spider web. Sadly, this is a very bad thriller that mixes giant spiders with the Jason Bourne plot. So please, if you watch this movie, do it for the spiders, not the plot.

Rating: 2/10 Spider queens

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